Wednesday, April 29, 2009

15 Things I'll Never Understand No Matter How Many Times They're Explained to Me

1. Greyhounds. The breed, not the motor coach. Its been made clear to me that these are a bright, loyal, gentle variety, but the idea of stroking a shivering bone rack by the fireplace just gives me jim- jams.

2. Spinning. Great exercise for people who enjoy behaving like tormented hamsters, peddling furiously toward a destiny they will never achieve while being shouted down by fit people. Its painful. Its stupid. I wont have it.

3. Homework. After 7 hours in the classroom and a commute, does a 6 year old really need to come home and do word problems? Mine nearly strokes out with the effort. Trying to help her process, with a 4 year old climbing on my head and dinner boiling over is a word problem in itself. Usually the word is Fuck. Its a "bad" word and there is no solution for it.

4. The removable bench seat. Brought to you by the geniuses at Ford. It weighs 225 lbs. There is no stowing it. No lifting it out without help. McDonalds toys and Chex Mix permanently lodge in its footers making it impossible to get back in. Cheap is one thing. Idiotic is another.

5. Advertising. Really? Does this work? I don't believe it. I've never bought anything because someone interrupted my programming or interfered with my web surfing. Make it go away.

6. Will Smith.

7. Liquor added to baked goods.  Liquor is fantastic.  Baked goods are lovely.  I'll drink with you after I've eaten my cake.  

8. Wanting to be around celebrities.  In my experience celebrity robs the room of oxygen.  Do you want to see people you respect throw up on themselves?  No?  Me either. 

9. What to do at a four way stop. I know the rules. How come they don't apply?

10. Eggplant. Very very baked in a crisp breading, ok.  Otherwise, gross. 

11. Homophobia. With so many things that need hating,we're putting love on the list? Don't bother me with poppycock; I have much less important things to worry about. 

12. The love of old-timey dolls. Freaky. Ugly. Not a toy. Not for grown-ups. What the fuck?

13. People who don't own a cast iron skillet. There are more important things to consider than something not sticking.  Sear baby, then de-glaze.  Non stick pans are for scrambled eggs and cream sauces... and people who eat their young. 

14.   Grits. Or for that matter, any hot cereal.  Hot mucus from a lactating heifer anyone?

15.  Sex in the City. Many smart people I adore loved this show.  For me there were no more perfect examples of everything that is appalling in women. Shawping for things you can't afford. Cunty behavior to nice men. Disproportionate concern for image bordering on the psychotic. Man-obsessed, prolonged-youth-seeking, vein, douche-bags all. 

I know you're all going to tell me how wrong I am.  It doesn't matter how you try to explain, I'll never understand.



  1. Again, we are as one on so many things. Greyhounds? Check. Hot cereal? Feck. Collectible dolls? Brrrrr. And I'm on record as a conscientious objector to the commingling of liquor and food of any kind. Yuck. Yes, I have spun and enjoyed Sex and the City, but I'm completely embarrassed to admit it and would like to have both those items expunged from my record please. I even went to the movie of that show and would have been better off being hit over the head with a cast iron skillet. Thanks for another huge laugh. Oh yeah, and it must be that we were raised in the same house because I too am appalled by hot cereal of any kind. If it doesn't have food coloring in it that dyes the milk, then I'm really not interested.

  2. Hallelujah, thank you for the Sex and the city bashing. Some people I otherwise adore will sit there and talk about the show and its characters as if they were real.. I cringe every time and try to change the subject. I've heartily attempted to watch it several times but it only looks to me like exactly what's wrong with society- that is, the show itself, and also the fact that people like the show.. I don't care that these are bad role models- just that they are not interesting characters whatsoever.
    I'm with you on every single other thing too, except grits, which I will argue with you about again sometime..

  3. I too love my grits and cream of wheat and cream of rice. But I'm with you on the rest. And excuse me but how can people eat shrimp? They are just cockroaches that live under water.