Friday, March 27, 2009

Butt of the Joke

Ta Da! I'm a blogger.

Just yesterday I was guiltlessly not doing laundry, paying bills, grocery shopping, cleaning tampons out of clogged rental property toilets or listening to hold music at my health insurance's 800 number, but instead watched Clear and Present Danger, with Harrison Ford. It's my two hours of free time and if I want to squander it watching tired Tom Clancy vehicles you can't stop me.

For about the thousandth time in recent memory, some secondary character in a film made reference to Cleveland in a condescending way. This time the comment was about ripping the stars from the lapels of some well-meaning officer and stowing the poor bastard behind a desk in Cleveland. Cleveland, spat from his mouth like he just discovered ass lint on his tongue. The assumption being that Cleveland is cosmic landfill, the junk heap for all the people, things and ideas that don't make it in real places like Los Angeles or New York, or in this case D.C.

Its ironic that this should bug me, considering how I so enjoy disparaging Cleveland myself. There's a lot wrong with this town, and I plan to bitch about each and every one of them in future posts. I fucking LIVE here, so I get to say whatever I want about it. But rich screenwriters living in the Hollywood Hills, who have never even stopped over in Cleveland on their way to New York, don't get to. People who enjoy ordering food in the middle of the night from really good Ethiopian restaurants, after attending art openings in cool re-purposed auto-body shops don't get to. Until you know, really know, how badly a place can suck, I don't think you should be able to casually include it in your knowing derision. Plus, Cleveland isn't Detroit. I've never been there but Detroit fucking blows.


  1. I can't believe I get to be the first to comment on a blog that will one day I'm sure, give Dooce a run for her money!

    This is utterly fookin' hilarious. This is the perfect thing for you and the world. More! More! I'm bookmarking it!

  2. Great great great! I've thought for ages you should blog and you finally read my mind you salty minx!

    Sign me up, this shit is funny. xx

  3. favorite image: ass lint
    favorite line: detroit sucking

    you are brilliant, vivid, hilarious and righteous. keep these coming!!!

    yay Jess! yay world for having Jess in it!

    love, Jen

  4. Trying to respect your boundaries Jess, but there's so many people I want to forward this link to. Holding back. Just sending it to Dad, who wants it bad.

  5. Hey Jess! You're so high tech :)

    I was watching a movie on sundance channel the other day and there was a snide Cleveland remark. Lauren Ambrose was this intellectual English grad student that couldn't really find where she belonged in the world, "especially in a place like Cleveland Heights." I gasped and was actually offended. Still pining for Ohio

  6. I used to feel this way all the time in Austin! Even though I spent plenty of time bitching about the place, it annoyed me to no end when arrogant East & West Coasters who had barely if ever been to Texas wanted to disparage it! People who would be outraged by stereotypes about themselves felt absolutely fine generalizing about Republican suburban megachurches and SUVs. Not that Texas isn't crawling with them -- of course it is! But it's a lot more than that too, and some New Yorker's TV-derived stereotype about Texas is no better or more accurate than the reverse! It was no better when people condescendingly said "Oh, Austin is the only place in Texas I would ever even be willing to visit!". Made me want to move to Dallas, toot suite.

    God bless ya for living in the middle of the country. It's a better place for your presence, though if you're on a campaign to make friends with the other moms, I'm not sure this blog will help matters.